Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Human sanity

:+:+: A night of thoughts :+:+:

(Warning: Amassing huge sums of emotions. I just got to get this out of my system)

I realized that we always say stupid things.

Things that we don’t mean

The kind that may destroy or change our lives forever

Or other people around us

We just say or write what we feel like at that time

We don’t care if what we say might move or hurt somebody else

May be what she did or say affected me in every way even she couldn’t imagine

I am the one far from perfect

I did a lot of mistakes, and for me, all our old mistakes didn’t matter

What matter the most is how much you've learned, you've matured, and even loved all the way

I don’t know and I bet I will never find out

I don’t know what’s going on underneath those afro hairs. A fun fill regrets follows by a jumble of thoughts.

I wonder how she feels deep inside without her pretension. He tried so hard not to hurt her, filled her life with laughter as he was damn good to her every day. But those were memories as she whispered goodbye softly to her one true love. The one that couldn’t possibly find its way home.

I wonder if she misses him and I wonder whether she wants him back or she just won’t allow him be with somebody else.

I don’t know what was she thinking when she tried to take him away from me. Is he a possession she refused to lose? Or is this what they called die romantic? I was na├»ve and I was blind. A night, I let my guard down and I pay my price for the next 10 months. I lost him.

I wonder what did she text him that changed everything

She never made it far with him. They remain single but half available. And I bet he’ll never KNOW how much he means to her, and vice versa. But those were memories. A history carved in the blue sky above them.

I don’t know how she felt inside her hard shell when he waved goodbye to me. Satisfied?

I wonder if she ever thinks about me in my outer silence

I wonder if she remembered me, the no-one knew invisible girl, she forgot that I still have thoughts and feelings

I heaved a sigh, forgave her but never forget. Unconsciously she drove us almost crazy. Paranoia ruled me. I held tight to my sanity.

P/s Love: I don’t wanna know all the answers to these questions. But what I do know is that I can’t stay sober. All I know is that I can’t compete with a memory. I wish their memories would just let us be. I respect their memories, even though it hurts me more than anything. It’s just sacred.

I stared at the blank corner of my room and think about all the unimagined what-if, what if I knew her intentions from start, I would have be more alarmed, and things might be different now.

I wonder who she was to him years before he met me.

I was having a flash-back. They brought me back to my dark eras. All of this didn’t matter anymore. A scene ended with a huge question mark for me. What happened actually? Did it really happened? It has been 3 years but they still terrify me. I can feel my whole body shook, numb and cold.

Bbbbbbzzzzztttttt…. Bbbbbzzzzzttt…. the vibration from my cell phone brought me back to reality. I picked it up and smiled. It was him in the other line.

No comments: